I Dont Want to Live My Life Again
"Iv years ago I tried to end my life. I couldn't see a future for myself. I had no purpose. I was all alone.
Iv years ago, I didn't want to live anymore. I was bullied really badly. People just didn't like me and I'm not sure why because I take always been a prissy person. I judge no one wanted to have the time to become to know the real me. All they saw was that I didn't really 'fit in' from the outside.
When I was in middle school my anxiety was so bad I would go to the nurse'south office merely to get abroad from people. I broke the schoolhouse record by going to the nurse 150 times in 1 semester. I would get for dumb, little reasons just so I could go away and calm myself down. I wouldn't even attend lunch considering I felt like I was being stared at and talked about, so I went to the bathroom instead.
It never helped that my home life wasn't platonic. I was away from my parents for a few years considering of personal family bug. I suffered and then desperately, blaming myself for everything – to the point I concluded up hospitalized multiple times for suicide ideation. It got to the point that I was pain the people I lived with more than I was hurting myself and they thought the right thing for me was to move in with my Mom and Dad again, but this time they lived in a different state. So, I had to go through the new daughter phase again. As I take said before I struggle with social feet and depression. Information technology has been a long route to recovery and it will be something I battle for the remainder of my life.
I remember iv years ago like it was yesterday. I got into an argument with my 'all-time friend' over her stealing my money. What kind of friend steals from you? She was supposed to be my rock, and the last bulletin she sent to me read, 'You don't matter anyways, possibly you should just disappear.'
I actually took that to centre. I tried and tried to brush it off, merely I just could shake information technology. If my All-time FRIEND thought that most me, anybody probably did. Thoughts were flooding my listen. 'Maybe she'south right. I have no ane now.'
Finally, I had plenty of being trapped in my own thoughts. I was then tired of the panic attacks and I said to myself, 'That's information technology, I'm done.'
I recollect vaguely going to the bathroom at my grandma's business firm, looking at myself in the mirror, disgusted at what I saw. 'How could anyone love me?' I started hyperventilating, crying. I had SO MANY emotions clouding my thoughts. I was aroused at myself for assertive someone cared, I was sorry, I was anxious.
I grabbed a bottle of ibuprofen, filled my paw and swallowed. In that moment I did not care about anyone or anything. All I knew is that I wanted this life to be over with.
I laid in my bed crying, praying to God to give me an answer to have all of my pain and hurt abroad. I begged him, 'Please just give me a sign.' But right then, I didn't experience like there was a God. If there was, why would he let me hurt?
That'due south when I got on Facebook. I was looking through my news feed and I saw a picture of my nephew. His cute innocent footling grinning, then my world came to a complete stop. I started thinking about my family.
How would they experience? My mom already lost ane daughter at birth. I was NOT about to cause her to lose another one. I didn't want to hurt them. I got up, walked to my mom's room and laid down in her bed beside her. She knew something was wrong, and when she asked, I LOST information technology. I was UGLY crying. I finally got the words out. 'I DON'T WANT TO Live ANYMORE!' The expect on her face up is something I will never, ever forget. She started crying and asked if I needed help.
We went to the emergency room and they were asking me all kinds of questions. Questions I didn't care to answer. 'Practise you lot feel similar hurting yourself or anyone else?' What kind of question is that? Manifestly I experience similar pain myself. That'south why I am here. Finally they put me in an ambulance and transferred me to Vista, a mental hospital in Gainesville. I met so many boggling people at that place, but of course just like me, they didn't see how amazing they were. These people made me realize I am not alone and not just the wallflowers endure from mental illnesses, simply the cheerleaders, the pretty girls and the jocks exercise equally well. Information technology's not merely something that affects a certain kind of person, but all kinds of people.
Getting help is the best thing I could take done. I now accept two beautiful nephews, an amazing married man and a cute dog. Here I am 4 years later on, withal live.
I have institute my purpose and I'grand even so learning day by 24-hour interval. I face challenges head on. Hither I am four years afterwards, and I'm excited about my future. I fall on my ass more times than I can count, simply I go up, dust off and try it again.
four years afterwards and I am a new person and I am more than happy to be alive. It gets easier every day. I have learned that things do get amend, and I am not alone.
I am a fighter.
For anyone out the suffering from depression or battling any mental illness – IT GETS BETTER. I hope. You are NOT solitary, and you lot DO have a purpose. It may feel like your globe is falling apart and you volition never be happy. I felt that.
It gets improve, and I am living proof of that."
[If you're thinking about hurting yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visitsuicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help is out at that place and yous are not alone.]
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Cameron Robertson, 20, of Lake Urban center, Florida. Submit your own storyhere, and subscribe to our best stories in our free newsletterhither.
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